Hard Straw

Photo and words by Andrew Hardingham

Lately, I’ve been baffled by all the humongously dumb shit I overhear in random conversations. Yes, I eavesdrop. Yes, I’m a bad person. Yes, you already knew that. But instead of feeling like I’m finally figuring humans out, I’m actually finding that I’m more confused than ever before. The word that keeps coming up is “WHY?” It’s normally followed by “the fuck…” or “in the hell would you…” But “Why” is the word that seems to keep repeating itself time and time again. So, if it’s OK with you nice people, I’d like to go over a few of my qualms. There’s a good chance the words that follow will irritate a few of you. There’s an even better chance you’ll expose me as an illiterate dink because of my out-of-control runon sentences and poor grammar. However, I’m sticking to my guns on these examples in hopes that if any of them reflect ideas or feelings you might have as a reader, you can quickly fix yourself and become less stupid, at least by my standards. Lets dig in, shall we?

1. WHY do girls think yoga is the same as working out at the gym? The amount of times I overhear girls talking about how good they will look in a bikini next summer because they went to yoga every week is the same amount of times there will be disappointed girls trying on new bikinis that STILL don’t fit! “It’s so weird. My old swimsuit still fits me the same as when I started doing yoga all those months ago,” says disappointed girl all those months later. 

Fuck sakes, girls. You gotta get your heart rate up and keep it there. Try sex with drunk people—especially the ones who drink whisky. It lasts forever and can be a great and unexpected workout. Plus, it can occur immediately after the source of all your weight gains: drinking. Although I believe yoga is a very cool activity, I’m still entirely convinced that it’s just sexy stretching, disguised as a sport that requires the purchase of $150 sweatpants (which I can’t be too upset about). I know Vinyasa yoga and several other styles are real workouts, but let’s not kid ourselves. No one does those styles on the regular.                                           On a positive note, you’ll be more flexible, so we’ll call it a win and then you should start working out immediately after yoga class because now you’re warmed up and you’ve stretched for reals.

2. WHY do people congratulate other people for getting pregnant? I’ve said this a million times before: Congratulate me for not getting pregnant. It’s way harder! Anyone can get sloppy and not pull out with the necessary 10 jerks to finish. “The Safe 10,” as I like to call it. It’s a focused and intuitive man who knows when to safely stop, even though he has millions of years of evolution wired into his being, strongly telling him to complete his mission. To overcome such overwhelming desire is to earn congratulating. Wouldn’t you agree? 

Some believe we humans are different than other invertebrates because we have thumbs and that tiny appendage has propelled us into the lead by allowing us to carry out our complex ideas, thus giving us the edge in the animal kingdom. I believe that it is the ability to pull out early that sets humans apart from other animals, plain and simple. So, next time you see your baby-less buddies, pat them on the back and congratulate them for their amazing job and contribution to the seeming disaster that is the overpopulation of the world.

3. WHY won’t people admit that short straws are an aphrodisiac? It’s pretty clear that they make people horny. Watching a pouty-lipped blond-haired babe try to find her straw because she’s insecure and needs an activity ever since they banned smoking in the bars is sexy. That very straw was obviously designed to avoid contact with the tongue for as long as possible. Look at its design. It must completely leave the drinker’s view before connection. That’s a genius design. It’s hard to say, but it might be one of the world’s most under appreciated creations. It’s genius, ether way.

4. WHY do some idiots believe the world is against them? If you believe this, you’re the problem and it’s you that’s against the world. I live in a resort town, so it’s full of 18-year-olds that just moved out of mom and dad’s place and now live in their own place—with roommates, of course, because who can afford rent in a resort town? But every once in a while, I overhear some dumbass complaining about how many terrible roommates he or she’s had and how they blame the cosmos for this universal unbalance of fairness. “Why can’t I just find a good roommate for a change? It never works out for me. This is my fifth bad roommate in a row.” Well, honey bunny, I’m afraid you’re the shitty roommate and you’re 100 per cent of the problem. Maybe it’s bad employers in place of bad roommates, but either way you’re the problem. Look inwards at the black tarnish mess you call a personality and dig deeper because I think you’ll find it’s all your fault. So, shut up about it and fix the problem from the inside, not the outside.  Having said all that, I feel confident that if you don’t fit into one or all of these categories of unreasonable thought processing, you’re probably a pretty good dude or dudette. But remember… Be vigilant towards the weirdos that talk like this. Their team of dummies is growing and they must be stopped, or at least have their ridiculousness pointed out to them. Just saying.

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