Sam Taxwood

Photos by: Crispin Cannon Words by: Chris Neiratko

I’M CALLING YOU AT YOUR JOB. WHERE DO YOU WORK? WHAT DO YOU DO?

I work at Milosport. It’s a skate and snowboard shop in Salt Lake.

DO THE KIDS THAT COME IN THERE RECOGNIZE YOU?

Yeah. Not a ton, but occasionally, for sure.

EVER GET ANY HOT MORMON CHICKS IN THERE THAT RECOGNIZE YOU?

Not really, no. But there definitely are a lot of babes that come in and definitely Mormon ones too.

YOU DON’T KEEP A FRAMED PHOTO OF YOURSELF ON THE WALL IN THE SHOP FOR REFERENCE? IF I WERE YOU, I’D HAVE A T-SHIRT WITH A PHOTO OF ME ON THE COVER OF A MAGAZINE THAT I’D WEAR TO WORK EACH DAY, SO THE MORMON CHICKS KNEW WHO I WAS.

Nope. I’m not running that, but occasionally when I’m helping a kid, my boss, Jesse, who is the manager but also my roommate, will help out that kid when I start helping another customer and then that kid will come up to me and be like, “Oh, dude. I didn’t know you were a pro. I should have given you more respect.” And I just laugh and say, “No, I’m just a regular dude. I just work at a skateshop and I snowboard.”

SNOWBOARDING ALREADY MADE THE MISTAKE OF GOING INTO THE OLYMPICS. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT SKATEBOARDING IN THE OLYMPICS IN THE FUTURE?

I think that would be weird. I feel like that would be a bummer. It’s kind of a given that snowboarding would go down that route just because a lot of the kids do contests. If you’re a skateboarder, you can go in a skateshop and buy a skateboard for, like, $40 and go skateboarding. With snowboarding, you have to have a season’s pass and all sorts of money, and be on snowboard teams with coaches and shit. I feel like kids that get into snowboarding usually have a little bit of a different mentality than the dudes that are skating.

YOU DON’T RIDE IN THE OLYMPICS, BUT DO YOU WANT TO?

Nope.

THEN YOU’LL HAVE NO PROBLEM TELLING ME HOW MANY OF THE OLYMPIC RINGS YOU THINK YOU CAN GET YOUR DICK THROUGH?

All four, for sure.

I THINK THERE’S FIVE.

Oh, is there five? Well, all of them then.

50-50, Quebec. Photo: Crispin Cannon

SPEAKING OF WHICH, LET’S GET BACK TO THE MORMON CHICKS. ARE THERE HOT MORMON SNOWBOARDERS?

Oh, yeah. Sure. I went to high school with so many hot Mormon chicks.

YOU GET SOME? OR IS THAT NOT ALLOWED IN MORMONISM?

At the time, when I was a sophomore in high school, I started dating this chick who wasn’t Mormon and my whole high school career I had a girlfriend. But you know Mormon chicks aren’t supposed to have sex until they’re married.

DO YOU HAVE ANY MORMON FRIENDS? DO THEY LOVE SOUTH PARK?

Yeah, I have a bunch. I think everyone loves South Park. Mormons probably do, too.

I HAVEN’T BEEN TO UTAH IN OVER A DECADE. ARE WE STILL RUNNING THE BULLSHIT 3.2% BEER OUT THERE?

Yeah. But I want to say this: First off, if you go to a gas station in Colorado to buy beers, you’re getting 3.2%. You go to a gas station in Utah, you’re getting 3.2%. I think Minnesota, Idaho, and a few other places—they all have 3.2% beer. The only thing is, when you buy a beer at the liquor store here, it’s a state liquor store. You can’t buy a six-pack here. You have to buy six separate beers, if that makes sense. That’s the only real difference. You can’t buy in bulk because you’re paying per beer. You can’t get a 30- rack at the liquor store, but even if you got 30 beers from a gas station here of, say, Nati Light, it would cost $18. It’s pretty cheap.

BUT THE LIQUOR IS WEAKER. THEY SELL LOWER PROOF HARD ALCOHOL THERE.

No, they don’t. It’s just that you can only buy liquor at a liquor store.

NO WAY, DUDE. I’M TELLING YOU, ME AND MY BUDDIES DRANK AT A BAR FOR EIGHT HOURS STRAIGHT AND WE WERE STILL SOBER.

Well, at the bar, they can only legally serve you one shot per drink. So if you’re getting a mixed drink, it only has one shot in it, no matter what. That’s the bummer.

BUT YOU GET DRUNK ALL THE TIME. HOW DO YOU DO IT? WHAT’S YOUR SECRET?

Dude, it’s so easy! It’s not hard. Everyone complains about it, but for those that complain about it, stay out of Utah. Fuck it! I have a great time here, all the time. It’s cheap. Living here is cheap, food is cheap, the airport is within spitting distance from my house, there’s big mountains with pow days, you can hit handrails or talk to hot girls…

YOU SHOULD BE THE OFFICIAL UTAH SPOKESMAN. I DID HEAR YOU ALWAYS HAVE A GOOD TIME OUT THERE. TELL ME ABOUT THE GOOD TIME YOU HAD ON YOUR 21ST BIRTHDAY. DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER IT?

Oh, yeah. I remember. My first 21st birthday was pretty dope. Basically, went out the night before with a bunch of my friends, turned 21 at midnight, and then partied all day and then went to a local bar called Lumpy’s.

YOU’RE LEAVING OUT ONE SMALL DETAIL: THE 24-HOUR LONG MAKE-OUT SESSION.

Yeah! That was on the first night. I apparently got stuck sucking face all night. A bunch of people came to say, “What’s up?” and I didn’t even talk to anyone. I just made out with this chick all night. It was quite the evening. I was in prime condition. I saw photos people took of us making out. She looked good.

Cab 270 to Frontside Boardslide, Quebec. Photo: Crispin Cannon

BUT YOU DIDN’T SEAL THE DEAL, HUH?

No. I passed out in my bed.

THAT’S KIND OF LIKE YOUR SIGNATURE MOVE, RIGHT?

Yeah. It’s kind of better that way—leave ‘em hanging.

WHEN I LEARNED ABOUT YOUR DEAL, I GOT REALLY PSYCHED BECAUSE I HAD A BUDDY OF MINE, CHRIS MARSHALL, WHO PASSED AWAY 12 YEARS AGO, WHO HAD THE SAME DRUNKEN NARCOLEPSY AS YOU. HE COULD FALL ASLEEP ANYWHERE, IN ANY POSITION, REGARDLESS OF WHAT WAS GOING ON AROUND HIM.

Yeah. Some people will stay up and get into a crazy, zombie-type mode and maybe that happens to me sometimes, but usually if I’m getting too fucked up I just go to bed. And I’ll go to sleep anywhere. Recently, I kept trying to sleep in my front yard.

WE HAVE BUTT-NAKED BYOB STRIP CLUBS IN NEW JERSEY AND MY BUDDY, CHRIS, COULD SIT AT THE STAGE WITH CHICKS TALKING TO HIM WHILE SPREADING THEIR BUTTHOLES AND VAGINAS INCHES FROM HIS FACE, AND HE’D STILL FALL ASLEEP.

If I’m to that point, I am sleeping wherever the fuck I am—on a driveway, in a gutter, outside of a store… We went camping in Southern Utah last year and we were doing wizard staffs, and the next morning, I was like 40 feet from where everyone else was camping, just laying in the dirt, arms folded on my chest, completely passed out.

YOUR BUDDIES DRAW ON YOUR FACE OR FUCK WITH YOU AT ALL?

No. They usually let me be in peace. Occasionally, shit like that does happen.

DRUNKEN PASSING OUT ALSO RUNS THE RISK OF PISSING YOURSELF. ARE YOU GOOD FOR THAT, TOO?

I don’t piss myself, but I did have a few occasions where I pissed in my closet. My closet in my bedroom is in the direction of where the bathroom would be, and I piss in there all the time. The worst is that I have this chair that’s next to my closet, where I just pile clothes, and it’s happened more than once, where I’ll have a couple boxes of brand new product on that chair and I’ll drain the vein into the boxes. But I know better now and I don’t go to bed until I’ve pissed. But I will say that I don’t piss in my bed or anyone’s bed. I’ll just sleepwalk to a corner instead.

DRINKING ALL THIS BOOZE, YOU GOTTA SWEAT IT OUT SOMEHOW. WHAT KIND OF EXERCISE YOU DOING IN THE OFF-SEASON?

I go skateboarding, hiking, and lately I’ve been riding my road bike a lot, doing like 60 or 70 miles, two to three times a week.

Boardslide Gap Lipslide, Quebec. Photo: Crispin Cannon

THAT’S A LOT OF RIDING. HOW MANY SETS OF SPANDEX DO YOU HAVE?

Just one. I’ve had them two months and I still haven’t washed them.

THAT’S DISGUSTING. ARE THEY WORSE THAN KNEEPADS?

No, man. They’re sitting in my room and my room smells fine.

WELL, YEAH. YOU HAVE THE SMELL OF PISS TO MASK THE SMELL. HEY, IS IT TRUE YOU GOT ARRESTED FOR DRUNKEN SKATEBOARDING RECENTLY?

Not recently. When I was 16, I got a couple minor drinking tickets, but yeah, one time I was skating down a hill to a party and all my friends were on bikes. I’m not one to bomb big hills on my skateboard, but I was pretty committed at this point and the light was green and all my friends got through it, and then it starts turning yellow for me as I get into the intersection, hauling ass. I caught a rock in the middle of the intersection and there’s an undercover cop right there at the light. I stacked it so hard because I was going so fast and just flew off my board. Then I was picking up all my shit, got to the sidewalk, and next thing I know he pulls up and asks me if I was alright. Then he asked me if I was drinking and gave me a Minor In Possession of Alcohol ticket. But I was able to argue it in court because I didn’t have any alcohol on me. I had drank it all and I just paid a small fine of, like, $300.

DAMN! WHAT A DICK TO GIVE YOU A TICKET AFTER EATING SHIT THAT BAD.

Exactly. I would have eaten shit if I was sober. I mean, I was borderline sober.

ANY OTHER GOOD RUN-INS WITH THE COPS?

No. That’s all I got. Actually, one time when I was 16, I was hooking up with a girl in a car and a cop pulled up and shined the lights on us and said, “You all can’t be doing this. Get out of here.”

COPS MUST LIVE FOR THOSE MOMENTS, WHERE THEY GET TO SEE A STRAY TITTY. THAT’S PROBABLY THE HIGHLIGHT OF THEIR JOB.

Yeah, definitely. And Salt Lake has the most cops per capita in the country, so it’s pretty safe here. This is probably the safest place you could raise a kid.

SO ASIDE FROM RIDING YOUR BIKE AND DRINKING SHITTY BEER, WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE LINED UP FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR?

Vans is making a movie in the next year and a half, so that’s my gig. Tanner Pendleton is the man behind it and Kevin Casillo is the TM and he’s been pushing for a Vans movie for a while. We’re gonna follow the snow and hopefully go to some cool places. I’d be stoked to film a bunch here, so I don’t have to travel too far. I think it’s supposed to come out in 2017 or somewhere around then. We’re all psyched that it’s happening now.